Sex

I'm going through my blog and deleting a lot of posts.
I was a sick pathetic disgusting person.
I no longer personify my disordered eating and no longer do I worship eating disorders or disordered people.
I get nauseated when reading this shit.
But I came upon a particular post and I was very very close to throwing up.
Sex.
I was talking about it in theory.
I was sure back then as a little freshman that I would be a "virgin"* forever.
So sure of how innocent I was.
So sure that no one would ever touch me again.
I was comfortable in that thinking.
Comfortable thinking no one like Tommy would come into my life.
I feel sick thinking about him.
So fucking sick.
I don't like being touched anymore.
Even hugs make me anxious.
I'm afraid of my family members.
I'm afraid of everyone.
I get scared of living and time and breathing.
Sex is absolutely terrifying.
Every time someone mentions it I feel like someone is on top of me.
Smothering me and pushing.
Everything hurts.
I get shakey and cold and tired.
Very tired.
I'm exhausted and I don't want to be around people.
I have to go to school today.
I've been skipping since Thursday because I was twitching.
It finally stopped after I woke up today.
But I have to be around people.
I have to actually allow people to touch me and be near me and talk to me and I'm terrified.
I am so scared and I am so tired and I feel like everyone is always pushing.
I feel a weight on me every day from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep.
Its always so heavy.
I can't breathe.
I am so tired.


*depending on you definition of virgin because considering anatomy I was not REALLY a virgin. That was taken away a long time before this point.