I don't even care

Sometimes I just want to watch my life disappear down the drain with the black vomit.
I want to watch it slip down in a mess of stomach acid and self hatred.
Sometimes I just want to be fucked up all the time.
I feel like if past lives were a thing I was a drug addict.
I'd like to just go do some heroin.
Brown liquid filling up the syringe.
I'd watch it disappear into my blood stream like the vomit down the toilet.
Maybe I wouldn't hate myself so much if I was fucked up all the time.
Maybe I would almost enjoy the pathetic feeble life I would lead.
I think I wouldn't mind dying of an over dose.
The last thing I would feel would be that incredible high sinking me down beneath the floor boards and into the Earths crust.
I would float all the way down past the core.
I could do that.
I think that on a regular basis.
Despite having beyond promised more than a few people I wouldn't disappoint them.
All I know how to do is disappoint people; hurt people.
It's not something I'll ever be proud of but maybe I can escape it all with a needle.
With crushed up ivory colored powder.
A thin clumpy line up into the nasal cavity.
I'd rather shoot meth though.
Glass sounds so much prettier than crank.
It sounds like a lot more fun too.
I think I'd fare better with heroin though.
I already sink pretty low it would be lovely if I could enjoy the decent.
I just get so tired of trying.
Normalcy has never been my cup of tea and it gets harder and harder to choke it down.
I have a deep unrelenting desire to fuck up everything I have going for me.
I'd like to let myself wither.
Die beautifully like a rose.
Covered in sweat bluish hue to my pale complexion.
Needle in my arm already rotting and festering while my dead eyes stare into nothingness.
No longer seeing.
Pure beauty.
Dying is such a pretty little thing.