Leave me at the altar

I'm getting to the point where I think about suicide even if I'm not feeling upset.
I was with my family over thanksgiving and it was probably one of the hardest moments of my life.
Every time I would get a hug or a glance my way I would wonder how that person would react if I commit suicide.
My uncle killed himself when I was three weeks old.
I never knew him.
The only thing I can think of when I hear his name is how it must have felt to pull that trigger.
My six year old cousin kept telling me how much she loved me and how I was her favorite cousin ever.
I can't deal with that.
I couldn't take any of it.
So every chance I got I would refill my wine glass.
On my way to my cousins house I purged in a gas station restroom.
People heard me.
They talked louder so they could hear each other over the sound of me choking on my fingers.
I haven't cut in about three weeks.
I plan on cutting my upper arms tonight.
I can't help but wonder if I should try and get help before its too late.
There won't be another hospital trip because the next time I attempt I have no doubt that I will not survive.
There is something wonderfully comforting about that.