Vienna waits for you.

I didn't realize it until I typed it in  my last post.
I'm dying.
After 7 years of self harm.
After 6 years of fucked up disordered eating.
After years and years of depression and self hatred.
After three suicide attempts.
After living off of pills.
After all the this.
I never actually realized it.
It probably should have occurred to me earlier.
But now it just makes sense.
Now that I don't eat regularly and the weight just drops off.
Now that my blood pressure is shit.
Now that my heart and chest hurt.
Now that I feel it around me.
Like an old friend.
My parents think I'm going to get better,
But I know the truth.
I will die of this.
I will live in the sing song land in my head.
Where up is down and the voices that hold knives to my throat are the best company to come by.
I will die.
God those words feel like such a relief.
Such a comfort.
I just want it to happen.
I felt lovely when I took those pills.
I was on the phone with Lukas and I felt cared for.
I was okay with those being my last moments.
I was just drifting off to sleep and my heart was just getting slower and slower.
It was peaceful.
I just skipped my dinner, which Dad will think I ate.
All I had today was blackberries and a square of chocolate Dad shoved down my throat.
I'll eat less tomorrow.
I'll probably starve to death.
It'll be ugly.
I'll probably lose all my friends.
My family will hate me.
But death will greet me like an old friend.
My therapist will quit working with me.
Eventually everyone will give up on me.
I will just be the dying girl.
The girl that no one could fix.
I was just too broken.
Maybe I just never was supposed to get better.
Maybe I'm supposed to be the one that suffers until I die.
It's just how it is.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired of life.
Living is just so exhausting.
I just want to lay down and have the life drift out of me.
And maybe it soon will.
But until then.
<3 Stay strong lovies.
CHEERS