Maintaining

Makes me hate myself.
Makes me carve into my finally clean arms with my double edged blade.
Makes me go to the kitchen and binge wildly forcing myself to purge when I realize what's happened.
Maintaining physically hurts.
It makes me unable to think.
Makes me unable to concentrate on homework or anything really.
It makes me cringe when I look in the mirror.
The over sized sweater it is today then, least someone see how fat I've gotten since then number hasn't changed.
It puts irrational thoughts in my head.
Maybe if I don't eat for fifteen days...
Maybe if tomorrow I purge on an empty stomach and then weigh myself...
Maybe if I shave my head and chop off my foot...
Maybe this feeling would go away.
But I know better.
This feeling will not leave.
It will sit on my heart and weigh me down and I will be lonely and miserable.
Even if I do lose a foot along the way what difference does it make?
None.