Apparently I'm not enough of a danger to myself for my medical team or my parents to put me into an inpatient facility. But thank you. I'd love to actually have a doctor tell me that yes I have an eating disorder after seven years of putting myself through hell but that would require actually telling someone about my eating habits. And I don't think I'm ready to give any of that up right now.
Like I'm sitting here just woke up and I want to purge.
I won't purge everything I ate because for the first time in three weeks I decided to allow myself food without immediately stuffing my fingers to the back of my throat.
I am regretting it incredibly.
It could not have been over 700 calories in total but my stomach hurts because of how full it is.
I couldn't even have a normal human sized portion.
I feel like that unto itself should be a sign to those around me that I cannot take care of myself.
But the people that love me would do anything to not see what they do and my med team would never admit they had it wrong.
I unfortunately cannot admit myself to any inpatient facility.
I cannot initiate any type of treatment for myself because I am not a medical professional.
Because I carry no PHD and have no recommendation from someone that has I cannot get help that I require.
So instead I'm going to get sick and hopefully someone will decide I'm worth of treatment.
Or maybe I'll die first.