Sobriety is overrated

I'm fucking everything up again.
Must have gained like 23 lbs.
I've felt so numb lately everything feels like it isn't real.
All my emotions don't actually exist.
I got into a fight with Dad and Sam and I wasn't even angry?
I yelled and acted like I was but I didn't feel anything.
I cried but I didn't feel sad or panicky.
Then I purged violently all over my bathroom floor and shower.
I can binge and binge and I don't feel anything.
Whenever I do feel something its fear.
I'm afraid of going to mom's.
Afraid of time and school and the future.
I don't like this.
Everything is either too terrifying or insignificant and not worth the effort.
I'm going to try and make an appointment with my therapist.
For now I'm going to take this oxy and pretend I'm okay with feeling too much and not enough.