Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Hi my name is Rachael; I'm an addict.

I started doing heroin in August.
Since then my whole life fell apart.
I got a job but had to go on a leave of absence because I literally couldn't stop using.
I'm currently dry.
I used on Monday but now all I want is more.
Back in June I thought my life was in tatters but I guess I never really realized how bad it could get.
My boyfriend Nate is in jail and has been since October and will continue to rot in a cell until April.
At first heroin was all I could do to keep myself from realizing the gravity of the situation.
At one point it was what gave me a stronger connection with Nate and now it's what has torn us apart.
He's in jail for theft and the details aren't important really.
I've been able to stay clean for a week or so every once in a while.
But now it's getting hard to find a reason to keep going if heroin isn't involved.
If Nate were getting out sooner maybe it would be a different story but he isn't.
He used to tell me that this was only going to make us stronger; the separation.
But now he tells me that he can't see us together without using.
Now I'm basically a trigger for him?
It's comical considering he was the one that stuck the needle in my arm the first time.
He gave me hep c.
He introduced me to the dope boys and taught me how to make up a shot.
But I'm the trigger.
I don't know what to do anymore.
My life has been completely derailed.
Art school isn't even on the map anymore.
I'm going to my mom's for Christmas and I have no clue how I'll manage to get through the holidays.
My biggest issue used to be that I couldn't manage food.
Now every day there's a chance I could accidentally overdose.
Or "accidentally" overdose if you know what I mean.
I look at my life now and it seems like it belongs to someone else.
Like these stories aren't mine.
I pity the girl I see in the mirror and she obviously doesn't resemble me.
It's so scary how everything can change in three months.
At one point I thought that I could get my life back in order.
There seemed to be a clear goal and a perfectly paved path to get there.
Instead of following it I stuck a needle in my arm and sat and watched it get over grown with weeds.
Along the way I watched friends stumble down the path and drop dead while they failed to get clean.
Now their rotting corpses decorate the floors of my 'recovery'.
I've been to treatment again but it obviously did nothing.
I'm going to try again.
I plan to go to Hazelden in Minnesota for a month but who knows where I'll be in a month.
I start work again in February so hopefully I can get this shit done and sorted before then.
I have little faith in myself though to be perfectly honest.

1 comment:

  1. Oh hun, reading this makes my heart sad. It's been so long since I've read anything from you, and now I know why. I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but addiction is ugly, and unless you want to get clean, you can't. You need that will hun. Keep your head up.