Thursday, June 5, 2014

Are you ready for the fallout?

This time last year I was finishing up with highschool.
I was 20lbs heavier and in a long term long distance committed relationship.
I was working on art monthly and getting ready to visit my best friend.
Since last year I've:
Gotten stitches for my self harm
Developed a serious drug addiction
Been hospitalized
Been on the verge of homelessness twice
Gone to the ER on six separate occasions
Signed up for school and quit without even attending a single day
Been to six funerals
Experienced my first blackout drunk
Had my first experience with dopesickness
Stolen over $700 from my Dad
Used over $30,000 worth of drugs
Lost at least 4 friends
Relapsed 30+ times
Mad friends and lost pretty much all of them within three months of meeting them
Got in touch with old friends and fell back out of touch with them
Fell out* for the first time
Was turned down from six different inpatient treatment centers for my risk level
Told my family about my eating disorder and drug abuse
Had my first family intervention
Lost hope found it and had it completely crushed again
Almost saw my boyfriend die
Spent more time in and out of treatment centers and rehabs than I've ever spent in my life

I'm currently on the verge of homelessness again. Relapse with self harm, my disordered eating habits, my lack of sleep, alcoholism and my drug use. I'm currently withdrawaling. I had a minor melt down at my boyfriend's house and basically got kicked out. I might be having a pregnancy scare. I've got mysterious heart problems that seem to be getting worse. I have unaddressed disordered behaviors and my suicidal ideations are back full force. I haven't worked on art in over two months. My best friend and I haven't had a conversation lasting over three minutes in over a month (the same best friend who I used to sit on skype with for 12 hours: the one whose been my friend for 17 years). I watched my boyfriend get arrested. I've been poked prodded fed emptied fucked beaten bruised used and almost restrained. I'm tired and lonely and I hate my life.

*when you almost overdose?? Basically your vitals drop into danger zone and you can get very close to death I technically experienced it during intentional overdoses but this wasn't intentional and I didn't get hospitalized for it

1 comment:

  1. Wow, that is more than a lifetime's worth of shitty things. I am so sorry you had to experience all of them. I really hope everything will get better for you.
    Hang in there.

    ~ Meg