Friday, January 6, 2017

As sick as your secrets

I'm purging again.
Its quite easy.
I don't have to struggle or choke on my fingers anymore.
Now I just lean over tap a spot in the back of my throat and it all pours out like the river of putrid bullshit I've been feeding to those around me.
I'm supposed to be honest.
In the Anonymous rooms we have these bullshit little slogans and cliches to say whenever anyone is struggling.
"One day at a time"
"Easy does it"
"Meeting makers make it"
"Water seeks it's own level"
"You hit [rock] bottom when you stop digging"
"You're as sick as your secrets"
I guess I'm pretty fucking sick then.
I have a new Instagram account.
My old account is this fluffy bullshit account where I talk about recovery or post about everyday nonsense, but my new account.
I've not been this honest in a while.
I find myself playing with others.
I'll tell them I self harmed for the first time in two years about three weeks ago and then talk about self harm recovery on a public platform.
I find sickening enjoyment out of watching other's squirm and cringe at my levels of deception.
I'm getting sick again.
I stopped taking my medication two months ago.
Not because I didn't want to take it or I didn't have any to take, but one day I looked at my pills and couldn't take them.
I brought myself a drink upstairs before bed to swallow my pills with and stared at the bottle while I drank the entire drink.
Then I convinced myself I ought not go downstairs and get more.
"I'll take my pills tomorrow"
Who here remembers that one?
Since no one is listening, and especially not those who followed me over half a decade ago I'll tell you.
I used to get through the most difficult times in my life by telling myself I would do whatever destructive impulse I had tomorrow.
Suicidal ideations were brushed off with "I'll kill myself tomorrow",
Self harm urges squashed with "I'll cut myself tomorrow".
I procrastinated my sickness for so long I eventually started to get better.
Now I'm regressing.
I'm rather good at this.
I've been fooling myself and others for as long as I can remember.
Let's see how long this lasts.

No comments:

Post a Comment