I'm a little sleep deprived.

I was watching Party Monster earlier and I thought "I could do that."
Drugs.
I'll tell myself after the thought that I'm too impulsive and it would ruin my life.
But really what am I doing now?
My right arm and both thighs are covered in cuts and it hurts so bad I can't sleep.
I deprive myself of sleep and of proper nutrients.
I rip my body to shreds; smile when the skin pulls and the little droplets bubble through the freshly formed scabs.
It's amazing how quick a wound can crust over.
Really the body is an extraordinary thing.
But
I don't much care for mine.
I treat it like shit and maybe I'm not as bad as others but I feel as though the life I'm living isn't exactly healthy.
Maybe I've been up for too long and have hit the lovely stage of mania that accompanies with my insomnia.
Last time I tried to kill myself I was up for days.
While mindlessly scrolling through tumblr I thought "I should kill myself."
So I tried.
I managed to write two lovely notes bidding my adieus and even cleaned my room.
Then I counted out 150 pills, separated them into piles of fifteen, and the proceeded to take them.
I only managed to get three of the piles down before the pills really started to kick in.
See that kind of overdose isn't exactly fun.
First you get the incredible head pain and become almost instantaneously delirious(depending on your cocktail of course).
The stomach ache comes later when you are sitting in the ambulance wondering why you didn't inject these drugs instead.
Paranoia, guilt, shame; they all wave over you at once and you don't know how to feel then because you are babbling unintelligibly over the phone to a stranger while slipping in and out of consciousness.
You are trying to figure out what wires someone decided to take out of your head because all the sudden you can't really think and everything is moving very slowly.
It occurs to you months later that hardcore drugs like heroin or meth would have been your better option.
The high would take away the realization of "oops I think I'm going to die".
Almost idealistic in my mind.
Again maybe I'll be more rational when I've had sleep.
Right now though if someone handed me a little glass pipe full of cloudy little crystals I wouldn't think twice.
And to those of you who read the full post of this incoherent dribble I apologize.
I didn't mean to subject you to this vomit.
Ciao.