Sometimes

Lukas is in inpatient.
I miss him so much I can't breathe.
Everything is too intense and too painful.
I don't really know how to cope with the feelings being thrown at me.
I wonder if this is what love is like.

There are days when everything just hurts.
The light that filters in through my curtains is too bright.
My eyes are screaming.
I can't sleep until the sun comes up.
I decided that I needed to save my last two cigarettes because I have to get proof of age so I can buy more.
I went through almost a whole pack in four days.
My throat burns because I've been purging so much.
I've started consuming only liquids and then purging them.
It's just so much easier.
It hurts sometimes though.
Like halfway through shoving my fingers down my throat for the twentieth time today I got this dull achy feeling in my bones.
Exhaustion.
My limbs are heavy and I feel like I'm living under water.
Except it's not really water it's more like sludgy tar.
I move so slowly.
I was so happy this past weekend.
Irritable and bitchy but actually content for the first time in a long time.
I smiled a lot.
Samantha and my mother were here.
I kept telling myself  "I'll be sick later".
I get little reprieves that way.
"I'll kill myself later"
"I'll cut myself later"
"I'll be a genuine fuck up later"
It only lasts for a few moments.
Never any longer than ten days.
And then I realize later will never come and I am secretly feeling okay without my permission and I relapse so fast I get third degree burns.
Cigarette holes in my hands.
Long beautiful wispy gashes that get deeper and deeper every time I visit my blade.
Because sick is comforting.
It's something I can depend on any time I need it.
Misery will always be there for me.
She will hold my hand even after I have thrown myself from my cliff.
But happiness is fleeting and cruel.
When it leaves it rips off pieces of me.
That pain that comes with my depression only feels skin deep but the pain that comes after a bout of happiness splinters my bones and pulls my muscles to shreds fiber by fiber.
Happiness can bring the worst pain imaginable.
At least with sadness you can get used to the pain.