Kindness

"Kill them with kindness."
I cannot handle kindness.
I cannot handle hugs or love or caring gestures.
I can't handle the pages that people dedicate to making other people feel better.
The words that they lace with their love of humanity and the goodness in people hurt.
They physically hurt.
I don't know how to react when someone is nice to me.
My first instinct is to cry.
To break in half and let my innards spill through the cracks of the floor because the pain is unbearable.
When someone tells me I am ugly or that I am a worthless excuse for a human being I can see where they are coming from.
They barely sting.
But when someone tells me that they would set themselves on fire if it made me happy or do something for me completely undeserved and not even asking for anything in return I want to rip my heart out and hand it to them.
I want to tell them that I would pull my flesh off inch by inch for them.
That I do not know how to show appreciation for comments like that.
I do not know how to accept their loving thoughts without a few gallons of self loathing.
I struggle with the words and I don't believe I could ever properly convey how much these gentle warm hands that people reach out for me to hold onto make me want to die more than anything else.