Wondering

I've been thinking a lot about time lately.
How much passes and how much is left.
I've been thinking about experiences and memories.
The moments we create would they feel the same if we relived them?
Would the people we met still hold the same brilliance; the same shine as they did on the day we first laid eyes on them?
Would the jokes still be funny or would they lose their magic?
When we experience new things we see them with wide open eyes and after a while their hold on us fades.
Our hearts feel differently about those moments.
It's like something that once meant the world to us is now worth nothing.
The feeling of being so deeply in love with someone; loving them for every ounce of who they are, and then suddenly losing sight of why you began to feel that way in the first place.
One moment you're life is filled with so much promise and you are living and breathing and loving every second.
The next minute you are crumpled like a used tissue on your bathroom floor covered in vomit and blood and wondering where you went so horribly wrong.
Everything is so fragile but we never really see that until the bones of our lives and feelings and memories are crumpling to dust in our palms.
"You don't know what you got 'til it's gone" takes on a world of new meanings when you apply it to everything you have ever loved and will ever love.
Because tomorrow I could be happy and healthy again or maybe I will die in three months from now.
Or maybe Lukas is only meant to be a blip on my time line when I want him to be here for the duration of my  life.
Maybe he will be my whole world.
One day someone will feel as though you are the air they breathe and the ground beneath their feet and everything that has ever mattered in their life will no longer hold a 1000 of your value.
And maybe one day that person will lose sight of you and why you were their source of being.
I feel as though I cannot trust the things I feel and think.
Everything feels so fleeting and maybe none of it maters anyways.
I feel so incredibly confused about life and love and time and memories.
Everything is hurting me tonight.
Its a night where all my beliefs coming crashing together and I wind up with a jumble of thoughts that barely cohere and are almost laughably unintelligible when typed out.
My thoughts are toxic tonight and I fear that if things continue like this I don't know what will become of me.
Hang in there is a scary phrase when you can't remember what you should be holding onto.
Should and shouldn't begin to lose meaning when you are staring down into an orange bottle and reasons-to-stay are turning into reasons-to-go.
Life begins to lose meaning when you only see the inside of your four blank bedroom walls for months on end.
Living doesn't seem to hold the same wonder as it did when you were ignorant and the world was still kind enough to tolerate.
Sometimes you get so tired that sleep will not cure your exhaustion.
Sometimes you get so hungry that food can't satisfy the growing emptiness inside of you.
Sometimes you feel like giving up and you look at your life and you loves and talents and short comings and mistakes and everything that has ever happened that you can remember and you wonder.
You wonder what is keeping you here.