Family. Fuck no.

Just remembered that Mom wants to go visit my Grandma next week.
That means we have to go into Gibsonburg and see all my family.
I am not thin enough to go see my family.
Weighed myself this morning and I'm finally back down to 139 but a week is not enough time for me to lose 20 more pounds.
Kinda freaking out right now.
My family always comments on how I look and unless there is a very visible change with my weight they are going to think I've been eating the same way I was before?
One thing about my family is that they fucking feed you.
You go there for dinner and you will gain about 5 pounds in one sitting.
There isn't really a way for me to get out of eating there.
I also need to wear long sleeves and I look so fat in everything I own.
Two of my cousins have been dieting and going to the gym for about a year now and they got so thin I cannot be seen around them being so fat.
I feel like I failed?
Last time I saw them I made myself a promise that I would be a lot thinner when I saw them again.
139 pounds is a little less than I was but that's still too much.
Way way too much I'm so upset with myself.
If I didn't think I would binge like crazy I would start a week long fast but I would binge.
Not to mention the fact that I will have to eat constantly around my mother and I know I'm going to gain.
There is nothing more terrifying to me right now than gaining weight.
I haven't even eaten today but I'm so bloated.
Now I'm also really anxious so I'm afraid I won't be able to eat or if I do eat I'll have to purge.
I only purge when I eat too much of a safe food (i.e. three mugs-always eaten in a mug- of cheerios in less than a 24 time span) or I've eaten a food that makes me anxious.
But if I keep thinking about this everything is going to make me anxious.
I don't want to see my family.
I don't want to turn nineteen.
I don't want to be forced to eat.
Can I please just sleep through the next two weeks?