Longing

Sometimes I look at all these girls I follow who are recovering and I get jealous.
Not just of their courage and the fact that they are happier but also the treatment programs themselves.
It may seem contradictory but I think treatment would be great for me.
Being on a locked ward has generally helped me in the past.
Picking out my meal options setting up a plan for therapy and working towards a happier life seems wonderful.
Realistically I'm never going to ask for help.
That's just not happening.
I actually need people to see whats going on with me.
For someone to acknowledge that they see my suffering would be not only justification but also a huge relief.
Right now I'm in charge of my life and I'm making a huge mess of it.
To have a person come in and see the severity of my illness and say "You need  help." is all I want really.
It's so contradictory that I'm getting sick to get well.
But in order for people to notice the danger they actually have to see physical symptoms and side effects.
Don't get me wrong.
I only feel like this on certain days.
Mostly I think only of the numbers on the scale or how many calories I've eaten, how my weight translates into kilos, when can I eat, is my current system working, where can I cut back, do I need to add more exercise to my daily routine or am I too exhausted on average is my intake low or should I snip a few more calories off etc etc.
And as I sit here thinking "wow I wish I could recover" or "she's doing so well in recovery!" I pop another diet pill and think about when I can allow myself to eat today.
Really it's an exhausting miserable existence but it's mine and I can't seem to get out of it.
When I think about how lovely recovery could be for me I know realistically I'm going to cry and hate it and myself and everyone who pushed me to recover when I get there.
But I also know that this constant misery isn't better and when I'm ready to I will recover and I will give it my all.
For now I'll subsist on Cheerios and frozen raspberries.