Mania

I'm manic again.
My hands are shaking and I have this never ending panicky feeling that sits in my chest.
All these fears of my future keep swirling around in my head like an awful horror story lullaby sung by those creepy dead children.
I won't ever get into school.
No where near good enough to get into art school.
I'll be living here for the rest of my life bingeing and purging left overs from three weeks ago and breathing putrid bile smelling air.
My art isn't good enough for art school and even if I got in I'd never be able to keep up with the pace of the class or the work load.
I'm going to be a failure.
I'm going to be fat and unhappy for the rest of my pathetic existence.
I'm going to lose everyone I love because I'm a worthless piece of shit.
It just goes on and on.
I need a change and it needs to happen soon.
But it requires me to actually suck up my feelings of inadequacy and just DO IT.
Not to mention all this shit is so terrifying.
I'll be on my own at college no one to hold my hand and I won't be good enough everyone will hate me.
And with good reason jesus fucking christ.
It all seems so irration when I type it out like this but I know that when facing the situation I'm going to burn holes in my arms with cigarettes and give the fuck up.
I never stick with anything and I always give up because if you don't try you can't fail and if you quit no one can really say that you wouldn't have made it right?
I just don't know what to do and I'm so scared of my future and growing up no one ever prepared me for this and I'm fucking terrified.