Now I'm cutting because I'm a royal fuck up.
Php isn't bad.
Oh wait forgot to tell you.
Yeah I have out patient therapy.
In which I'm forced to go in and attend groups.
Yes it is exactly as you think it is.
Except.
I have friends from inpatient there.
Which makes me feel better.
I won't get better.
I'll probably spin my bullshit fake my smiles and lie my way through this shit.
I'm never getting better.
I was three days cut free.
I fuck everything up.
Lukas makes me feel amazing about myself.
If it weren't for him I would be dead.
Even if Dad would have found me after I took the pills.
I would have killed myself after.
He's probably the only reason I'm still alive right now.
I mean I love my family and Samantha but I don't talk to them.
Lukas is just the person who gets it and doesn't expect me to get better right away.
He doesn't expect anything of me.
He asks little things like "Try not to purge today."
And I can manage that but everything else everyone is asking is overwhelming.
It's suffocating and I can't breathe.
I wouldn't be sitting here with an exact-o knife in hand and a razor blade beside me if it was easy for me.
It's funny because people expect me to just stop self harming.
Well why don't you go ask that pack-a-day smoker over there to stop smoking right now?
They expect the pills to start taking effect in two days and for me to magically stop feeling suicidal.
No it doesn't work that way.
Sweetheart(s) I have been fantasizing about putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger for years.
I love to imagine my brain juicies splattering all over Dad's precious white carpeting.
I wish that we get into a car accident ever time I'm in the car.
I want to be the only one that dies and I want to go through the fucking windshield.
I want them to scrape my mangled body off the asphalt.
And they think this is me getting better?
The fucking doctors just ignore me when I say I hate the goddamn zoloft so why tell them?
Fuck it.
Why tell them a goddamn thing if they never bother to even listen?
No
one
is
listening.
Ever.
I promise.
Don't let yourself get fooled because they don't actually give a fuck about you.
You are just dollar signs baby. Nothing else.
That's to the doctors and the business world.
But.
To Lukas.
I'm just someone to text until 4:00am.
It's magical.
<3 stay strong
CHEERS
P.S.
Dad took me out to dinner because he was a jackass and I had to eat a full meal so fingers crossed for the scale tomorrow.
Every day is a struggle. Especially when it comes to self injury. I've been on that kick for eleven years. It evolves, it turns from an an addiction into a part of you, just as ed does. I undertand where yer coming from when you express how you can't just stop. It's unfair for others to expect it from you either. I feel tags love. <3
ReplyDeleteThrough all your pain, right now I'd like to say thank you for two reasons. 1. is because I have been fighting the urge to cut all day and I read this now and was like. If I want to that's okay. 2. Because I imagine the most vile gruesome murder suicide scenes every night. Sometimes thinking of hurting people and myself is the only way I can get thoughts of hurt out of my mind or stop them from causing a panic attack. Thank you. You will be okay baby. I know you can do this. I am also in outpatient. Mutha fuckers think they know us. Xo
ReplyDelete