"You don't look like you have an eating disorder"

I went to my psychologist appointment today.
She's fantastic and she wants to help me and everything is not okay.
No one has ever really taken my eating disordered behaviors seriously.
She is.
One of the first things she did was give me the name of a psychiatrist she wants me to see that specializes in eating disorders.
He works on an eating disorder and she said she'd like me to get into the program (most likely outpatient).
But I can't get help for this right now.
I'm not thin enough.
There are going to be so many girls and boys thinner and sicker and more deserving of help there.
In short I'm freaking out.
Dad keeps asking if I have an eating disorder.
I told him "I don't know" and got up to purge.
We went to lunch and I had tomatos.
Thats all I ate and I purged them.
All of it came up so easily it's like I never stopped.
This new psychologist looked at me like I was moronic when I said "but I'm not sick enough".
Because when you aren't visibly sick no one takes you seriously.
When you say "I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder" everyone's eyes rape you searching for the protruding bones to confirm it.
But they don't realize its not in narrow angular figures that these eating disorders show themselves its in dead eyes.
Suffering is not limited to the emaciated girls with their prepubescent bodies it sits in the back of the throats of men and women choking on their own bile.
Its assumed I do not have an eating disorder because I do not fit into the cookie cut out version of your typical eating disordered person.
"Thin" isn't a stepping stone to beauty.
Its a key to open the door I've been searching for.
It means recovery and being seen.
Because when people say "you don't look like you have an eating disorder" what they are really saying is "we do not recognize your agony. We do not see you and we refuse to see you".
Right now I might as well be invisible.
I cannot receive help because this repulsive pudgy figure makes my years of starvation and binge purging invalid in the eyes of medical professionals.
These people do not see me they see the symptoms I do not display.
They see a body weight that doesn't fit their criteria.
A person who has a "healthy" body.
I am not courageous enough to make them look at me.