Holding onto you

I'm reading things I know will hurt me.
Sometimes when I feel like I'm doing too well or have been healthier I like to read/ watch/ listen to really triggering things?
Today it's old personal posts from various eating disordered bloggers on tumblr.
I used to do this kind of thing for motivation but now I just want to feel miserable I guess.
Literally just after I typed up my previous post I thought of taking some oxy to make me feel better.
Pain meds are obviously not to be used for mental illness but they work?
Never have I ever had an antidepressant work for me as well as a narcotic.
There I go again prattling on about drugs.
I just want to be comfortable in my own skin is that too much to ask?
When I'm high I am more than comfortable and  yes I understand that's an escape and not solving the problem, but I don't know if  can solve it anymore.
Hear me out for a moment okay?
I've had these problems since I was really young.
Self harm going on what nine, ten years now?
I've been eating disordered or displayed eating disordered habits for over eight years now.
To some people this would obviously be exhausting and debilitating (which it is).
But it's really all I have.
I don't really have any identifying characteristics.
Really the only things I felt were mine or made me different (which is contradictory I know) were my "issues".
Which seems like a big joke to me knowing I've never gotten within twenty pounds of my "ugw".
Never been underweight either so it's not like anyone takes me seriously.
I know this is redundant.
You've heard this all before; from myself as well as other eating disordered people, but it's true.
I've only ever associated my self worth with my ability to harm myself in various different ways.
I'm not ignorant I do realize this isn't healthy or any way to live my life.
That being said I can't give it up.
Not yet.
Maybe after people start taking me seriously.
But I doubt that will ever happen.