I'm sort of getting help? However unwanted it might be.

I really appreciate you.
All of you are so lovely and I know maybe five people still read this but I am grateful for each of you.
Everything is kind of chaotic right now.
Realistically I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing but I can't help it.
I gained so much weight and I look and feel so dreadful.
So I've decided to go back to my hard core restricting.
For the passed few days I haven't eaten above 600 calories and I think that 600 is a bit (lot) too much.
Cutting back to 300 seems safer and just generally more comfortable.
Not that I've been counting calories like I was I mainly just eat two or three safe foods a day.
Meaning I'll probably be way under 300 calories but I'm just so uncomfortable right now.
Also whenever I eat now I'm very aware of it?
Not so much how things taste or feel but the fact that I am putting this food in my mouth and it is going to be digested and make me fat.
I thought about purging yesterday but it's been so long and purging actually leads me to binge more.
It's ridiculous because it wasn't a binge it was 150 calories worth of rainbow sherbet.
Which is virtually fat free?
My hunger pains have been bad lately and I can see I lost weight in my face a bit but my stomach and legs have grown 57 times their original size I'm sure of it.
This is the reason I started abusing Dad's oxy.
I have this love/ hate feeling towards my disordered behaviors.
They are just so exhausting?
Lately though everything is exhausting.
I'm not trying to get better but I am going to try and be a better person.
Lukas is having a tough time right now and I really need to be there for him.
I've just been so self centered and he deserves better.
I'm not allowed to eat today I just can't handle it.
And I think if I'm able I won't eat tomorrow either.
I just don't want to deal with being massive on top of everything else.
Everything else being I actually have an appointment with a therapist on the 8th.
I forgot about it until a week or so ago.
I had asked for help a month ago when I actually wanted it so now I have to meet this new lady.
Keeping my fingers crossed that I like her and that she'll see me though because I do miss talking freely about my bullshit.
Not exactly asking for help right now but a someone to listen to my narcissistic monologuing would be nice.