I think it's safe to say I'm actively ruining my life bit by bit.
Talked to my mom twenty minutes ago and I told her I'm not ready for college.
She told me it's fine she'd talk to Dad and she said I'll just wait until fall to register for classes.
Like it's that easy and this doesn't mean I've failed her again.
I'm fucking everything up.
A year from now if I'm not dead or hospitalized I will be sitting in this same room in this exact spot blogging about how much I want to die but too guilty to do anything about it.
When I was at least entertaining the notion of going to college next semester I felt like I was getting somewhere or trying to so it counted for something.
Now I'm just this pathetic sack of shit feeling sorry for myself.
I've fucked up so badly.
All I want to do is die.
I can't even pretend to be okay anymore I'm just done.
I've been snorting my oxy.
Not often because it hurts like a bitch but I promised myself it wouldn't get this bad.
I'm almost out of pills though so it's not like it matters.
That bottle had sixty days worth of oxy in it and I went through it in what eighteen?
I'm hurting Lukas with all my talk of suicide and substance abuse.
I hate myself for it.
He deserves better.
I wish I could be better but I can't so I give the fuck up.
Maybe I'll get into a fatal car accident or something and stop ruining everyone's lives.
Wouldn't that just be wonderful?
I'll put it on my Christmas list.
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