I know she won't read it but

I just wanted to congratulate Julia on graduating.
I wish I could say it to her but I just can't.
I'm supposed to be the bad guy.
I'm supposed to be the one she blames for everything and hates.
So I'll keep quiet.
But I miss her.
I miss my friends.
I miss them all.
Most of them graduated today and I won't see them again.
Maybe it's better this way.
If this year goes the way I planned hopefully none of them will ever know what happened to me.
Hopefully none of them will have to care too much if they find out.

131.4

I feel weak and shaky today.
It took me a few minutes to stand up.
I don't have the energy to make myself tea.
I don't have the energy to do my homework.
I feel lost.
Lukas is probably sleeping.
I have this weird feeling in my chest every time he doesn't answer.
It's the same one I get when I look at pictures of Kelsey and I or read past notes she wrote me.
Sadness?
Longing?
I'm not exactly sure what it is.
I just know it hurts.
Then again everything does now.
stay strong lovelies<3
CHEERS
P.S.
it kills me that my weight is 'healthy'

I just keep getting worse

First lets all take a moment to look at the lovely new theme.
Yes now.
I fit into freshman years skinny jeans today.
And before I get an "oh my god Rachael congrats for getting your fat ass which is like size six into a size two!!":
this isn't an accomplishment.
This isn't something to be proud of.
It isn't something worth gloating about.
I looked fabulous in my flamboyant purple skinny jeans and my Dad's sweater from the seventies today but the reality of it is that I am dying.
Slowly but surely I am getting there and although I was really happy with myself and even allowed *GASP* not one but TWO handfuls of popcorn at the movie theater it doesn't change the fact that I'm beyond unhealthy.
My nails are blue have I yet told you the significance of blue nails to me?
Freshman year when I started reading Wasted blue nails became the thing I needed.
If it wasn't a thigh gap(which was another on the check list) I could get RIGHT NOW it was gonna be blue nails.
And bald spots.
And sores on my fingers.
And goddammit I was gonna fail that test.
The check list went like this:
{x}blue nails
{x}bald spots
{x}marks on my knuckles
{c}low blood pressure
{?}anemia
{}flat or concave stomach
{}sharp point hip bones(because they have to be sharp and POINTY to count)
{}a thigh gap
{}an arm gap
{}a space above my fingers when I put them together around my wrist
{}being able to fit my hands around my upper thigh
{}no hands purging
{x}keynotes in my urine
{x}muscles that eat away at themselves

c means sometimes
x of course means I have it and ? means I'm not sure.

do you see what I'm getting at? Does anyone else see how utterly sick and disgusting this list is?
Anyone?
And now that everything is starting to go "according to plan" it makes me want to cry. It makes me feel sick to my stomach with guilt and shame and worry. It makes me upset with myself.

My mom cried yesterday. She came in for a day and a half and she said to me "you know I see when I look at your arms? I see my you: two years old fat little baby arms holding a crayon scribbling away. And your arms were so perfect and you were just so beautiful. And then I see the reality. These scars. And I see all the people who have and who will judge you for them. And I don't want that. It hurts. I look at you and then look in the mirror and I'm disappointed with myself." and I just couldn't bear it. She had tears streaming down her face and she looked so heart broken. What if she knew the whole truth? All of it?
I fit into my jeans today and my mom will probably lose her daughter this year.
I fit into my jeans today and all those beautiful memories she has of me aren't true anymore.
I fit into my jeans today and I have and will disappoint my mom.
I fit into my jeans today looked in the mirror and thought I want to die.
And my mom just said "You look cute Rachie-butt."

I told my Mom

everything.
Well.
Almost.
I told her about my abuse.
and now she's going to be coming in next weekend to tell Dad about it.

PTSD

I told my therapist I was raped.
I've been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I don't know how I feel other than insignificant.
Everyone has been staring at me today.
I don't want to be me right now.

"You're just really stupid aren't you?"

Little things always stick in my head.
No one seems to remember that.
Everyone forgets.
Absolutely everyone.
Even the people I'm closest too.
"Rachael needs to do crunches."
"Flabby tummy."
"You gained weight."
"Did you put on a couple pounds?... No no you look good!"
"Did you eat all of this?"
"Woah slow down there."(referring to eating)
"How much you gonna eat tonight Rach?"
"Think a little next time Punky."
Over and over the little things.
There are thousands of them.
"You're just really stupid aren't you?"
You didn't mean it maliciously. It was innocent.
A little joke.
But now I can't get it out of my head and my six day cut free streak is going to end.
I just ate a cookie and a chocolate muffin and I'm going to purge them.
Stupid.
Insolent.
Insignificant.
Weak.
Pathetic.
Disgusting.
Repulsive.
The swirl around in my head sing song lullaby sings me to sleep at night.
Fucking kill me already.

I want to

Tell you about him.
Tell you about my life.
I want to tell you about everything that's happened.
I want to be like we used to.
I want to curl up next to you on the couch find the strength in me and cry on your shoulder.
I want you to wrap your arms around me and tell me "Rach, it'll be okay you've been through worse." Even if it's a lie.
I want you to turn on Madeline by Tickle Me Pink and tell me we're going for a walk.
I want to go buy a monster and straighten your hair and pretend I'm your best friend again.
I just hate how much everything has changed.
I have an amazing person in my life.
His name is Lukas, Kelsey.
He called the police the night I decided to try and take 150 pills.
It was my third over dose.
You weren't there but this stranger whom I had never met sat on the phone with me.
He was there when I was discharged.
He is still here miraculously 3 months later.
But you aren't anywhere to be found.
I want to talk to you about how bad everything has gotten.
I want to tell you about Julia, and Tommy and Eric and all my mistakes over the past couple of years.
I really fucked up here Kelse.
Did you know I'm not in school?
Not only that but right now I'm currently supposed to be working on my Math homework due tomorrow?
It's important or I'll never be able to keep up in Chem next year.
I can't draw for the time being.
Did I tell you I'm going to art school?
If I can make it in that is.
Have I told you yet that I miss you?
Because I do.
I miss everything.
Maybe it's me living in the past.
Maybe it's me refusing to move on but Kelsey we weren't just your average friends.
You were my very best friend an I wanted to set myself on fire when you left.
I almost did too.
But somehow I made it out of that.
Barely and it seems I left little pieces of me behind along the way.
I guess what I'm trying to say; if you happen to be reading this (which it wouldn't really surprise me) is that if you wanted to drop me an anonymous message I wouldn't mind all that much.
If you get lonely or need someone to talk to anonymously(or not) talk to me.
Because I don't know about you but I miss you an awful lot.
And maybe I can't even say that anymore.
Maybe I can't say I miss you because maybe I don't know who you are anymore.
But.
I'm wouldn't mind getting to know you again.
Which is probably selfish.
And maybe you want absolutely nothing to do with me but life is short you know?
It's becoming more apparent to me everyday that at any moment I could die and you might never know how much I wished you would have called me.
My number never changes.
Lukas asked me about that when we talked about the police tracking my number back to New Jersey.
I live in Ohio why not just get a new number?
Because of you Kelsey.
I know your number by heart.
You weren't always so good with that but I won't change mine just in case one day it hits you that you want to talk to me again too.
And if you're having a tough time and can't seem to sum up the courage or maybe just really don't want to talk to me;
stay strong Kelsey.
Because you really do NOT deserve the shit you put yourself through.