129.6lbs

I hurt.
Everything is just really painful today.
Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I feel that heavy feeling in my chest.
I'm thinner.
Getting thinner by the minute and everything is still wrong.
It'll always be wrong.
I try so hard to no avail.
The people I fall in love with love someone else.
The things I strive for are out of my reach.
Everyone is oblivious to the fact that I can't seem to keep on going.
Nothing is getting solved and everything is worse than it was.
I feel these horrible aches in my chest that are either entirely in my head or there is something wrong with this ticking heart of mine.
Either way I'm getting worse.
I stand up and the room goes black for a moment while I clutch to the back of my head board with shaky fingers.
My face is taught.
Empty and ghostly pale; I feel more dead than ever.
What happened to the promise of recovery?
What happened to my endless tomorrows and the invincible youthfulness I once possessed?
I look in the mirror and for a split second see the monster I have become.
I see her.
I see her bones start to poke out.
But it isn't right.
I wasn't this thin before was I?
It's off wrong.
This reflection is a dead girl.
Her eyes hold no meaning, no life.
Her skin is graying and she is tired.
She is oh so tired.
She will allow herself to eat but not without a few tears split into her applesauce.
Should I purge it?
Should I get rid of it?
Her head pounds.
She is confused.
She will decide to keep it, her stomach clinging to it for dear life.
And crawl back into her dark hole of a bedroom.
Faint memories of plans that she had made earlier in the summer will flash in her mind.
She will wave it off and drift into restless sleep.
Never quite shaking the feeling of deep clawing exhaustion.

Sorry for my absence

I've been a little stuck in my head as of late.
I have trouble focusing and I have trouble really remembering what I'm doing with my life and why.
I'll binge just for the simple fact that I can.
I'll allow it to sit in my stomach and tell myself I'm a disgusting cow.
Severely punishing myself for it the next day.
I had been a few weeks clean from cutting and yesterday I decided to pick up my lovely Sherice again(my blade is named for no reason other than I like her more than the others I've had).
I didn't eat anything yesterday.
I woke up late I got into a fight with my Dad; who then decided to play nice and ask me fifteen times if I was hungry before giving up and telling me to go to sleep.

I just get a little stuck.
I forget why school even matters.
I do my work in bursts of clarity and then I'll just let it pile up again conveniently letting it slip my mind that I am on the verge of being a junior for the second year in a row.
My Italian project is currently sitting in my folder not even half finished and it's due on Tuesday.
It makes no sense.
It's almost as if I'm reverting back to sixth grade me.
The one that would play video games(why hello there PS2, DS lite, and Game boy Advanced SP) and read and shut herself out from the world.
That girl woke up one day and realized she had no friends and they might be a good investment(wrong).
My destructive habits are the only real difference; that of course, and my weight.
132 lbs exactly and a nasty little tendency to throw up the things I shove in my face, I'm a complete disaster.
So I've made a decision.

I'm going to try.
I'm going to shower first thing in the morning.
I'm going to put on suitable clothes for the weather and running.
I'm going to walk to the wood-enclosed park and I'm going to run(jog-or attempt since I'm so out of shape it's laughable) the trails. Come home and shower again.
Then I'm going to try and dress in some sort of fashion without trying on a million things; dressing according to the weather rather than how fat I feel( UPDATE: I've been diagnosed with BDD-Body Dysmorphic Disorder on Wednesday. My therapist doesn't think it's "serious" though but he can be a bit of a twat).
I'm going to paint my nails.
I'm going to do my homework.
I'm going to clean my room.
I'm going to do sketches so I can pain my walls and put my new furniture in my room.
I'm going to go shopping.
I'm going to convince Dad I need purple hair dye.
I'm going to start studying for my drivers license because I'm going to be eighteen and I can't drive.
Notice this list involves no food.
The food of tomorrow will only consist of:
-one coffee with some non-fat creamer- iced: 100
-1/2 cup of cinnamon apple sauce w/ 1/4 a nature valley bar-crushed: 122.5
222.5 calories

I'm going to start trying. I need to start trying.
Stay strong loves <3
CHEERS
P.S. sorry it's so fucking long oh my god
oh and polyvore, LOOKBOOK (sorry no current looks but I'm going to try to put some up when I redo my room), tumblr (the eating disorders one), and tumblr (the "safe" or photography one)

One day

I had binged for a straight week and then went one day without eating.
I even allowed myself to have an Arizona Arnold Palmer Peach tea(150 calories).
I had been maintaining.
134.2lbs.
I had gained.
And then maintained.
One day without solid food.
And a tea.
And I weighed myself.
132.4lbs.
My head hurts.
I feel dizzy.
I think I'll have some apple sauce and some tea.

Pizza

I'd give anything if I could purge it.
I can purge whole pounds of pasta.
I can purge cake.
I can purge rice.
Basically everything I'm usually forced to eat on a daily basis can be purged except pizza.
I don't know why but for some reason I just can do it.
I'm going to fucking kill myself if I can't purge this.

Scary

I know what you mean about the elliptical lying to me.
I usually double my exercise and figure I burned half of what it tells me I did.
And I know how frustrating it can be when no one sees how sick you really are.
I have visible bald spots.
My fingers were full of hair when I went to wash the shampoo out today.
I had been making an effort to eat 1000 calories everyday.
Maybe a half-assed attempt at recovery?
It doesn't matter anymore because it all went down the drain (or should I say toilet?) this evening.
It's scary how easily I can slip back into my habits.
I don't need any reason.
I walk into the kitchen.
Panic.
Dad has gone shopping.
What was supposed to be a day of restriction has become seven cookies- one crunchy, six chewy- swirling down with a flush and a stench of bile.
Not a binge but what is chaos in my claimed to be world of order.
I do not enjoy it.
That dreadful feeling.
I know after I feel calm.
I know it will only last for a few hours.
I know what will be next.
It will be the broccoli and white cheddar soup, a used to be favorite.
I will eat it in less than five minutes and it will come up in less than two.
My throat will feel as though it is on fire.
I will not cry but I will want to.
Then even later it will be a key-lime yogurt.
Only 80 calories.
I will after throwing it up grab a propel zero and hop on the elliptical.
Then I will make myself hot tea WITHOUT honey.
And I will slash each of my fat legs before going to sleep.
Tomorrow will be the same.

Tea

I can't sleep.
I'm slightly dizzy and everything feels a little fuzzy.
I'm going to catch up on some reading and then do my math homework.
I'm almost done with tutoring I have this set of homework and then three take home tests to do for math.
I've officially completed English and Italian is continuing through the summer.
I'm just scared that I won't have enough requirements to be a senior next year.
If that's the case I don't know what I'll do.
I can't do another two years of high school.
Everyone keeps telling me "Oh Rachael it's not that bad" but it is.
I just can't do it.
And I have to make sure that this year going into school I look sick.
I'm so tired of hearing that there's nothing wrong with me because I 'look fine'.
It sounds horrible but if I'm killing myself might as well not hold back right?
So at some point tonight I'll probably go down stairs with my iPod and exercise.
It's hard with Ben sleeping on the couch.
I wish he would just leave but I need to get on the elliptical.
It tells me how many calories I'm burning and how long I've been exercising and it does more for me that crunches can.
My muscles will be screaming later today.
I'm only allowing tea because the passed few days have been nonstop binges.
I can stand this feeling.
I haven't been able to purge and these little voices keep screaming "buy laxatives".
Anyways.
shit post.
<3 more later. be nice to yourselves.
CHEERS

Maintaining

Makes me hate myself.
Makes me carve into my finally clean arms with my double edged blade.
Makes me go to the kitchen and binge wildly forcing myself to purge when I realize what's happened.
Maintaining physically hurts.
It makes me unable to think.
Makes me unable to concentrate on homework or anything really.
It makes me cringe when I look in the mirror.
The over sized sweater it is today then, least someone see how fat I've gotten since then number hasn't changed.
It puts irrational thoughts in my head.
Maybe if I don't eat for fifteen days...
Maybe if tomorrow I purge on an empty stomach and then weigh myself...
Maybe if I shave my head and chop off my foot...
Maybe this feeling would go away.
But I know better.
This feeling will not leave.
It will sit on my heart and weigh me down and I will be lonely and miserable.
Even if I do lose a foot along the way what difference does it make?
None.