"You don't look like you have an eating disorder"

I went to my psychologist appointment today.
She's fantastic and she wants to help me and everything is not okay.
No one has ever really taken my eating disordered behaviors seriously.
She is.
One of the first things she did was give me the name of a psychiatrist she wants me to see that specializes in eating disorders.
He works on an eating disorder and she said she'd like me to get into the program (most likely outpatient).
But I can't get help for this right now.
I'm not thin enough.
There are going to be so many girls and boys thinner and sicker and more deserving of help there.
In short I'm freaking out.
Dad keeps asking if I have an eating disorder.
I told him "I don't know" and got up to purge.
We went to lunch and I had tomatos.
Thats all I ate and I purged them.
All of it came up so easily it's like I never stopped.
This new psychologist looked at me like I was moronic when I said "but I'm not sick enough".
Because when you aren't visibly sick no one takes you seriously.
When you say "I've been diagnosed with an eating disorder" everyone's eyes rape you searching for the protruding bones to confirm it.
But they don't realize its not in narrow angular figures that these eating disorders show themselves its in dead eyes.
Suffering is not limited to the emaciated girls with their prepubescent bodies it sits in the back of the throats of men and women choking on their own bile.
Its assumed I do not have an eating disorder because I do not fit into the cookie cut out version of your typical eating disordered person.
"Thin" isn't a stepping stone to beauty.
Its a key to open the door I've been searching for.
It means recovery and being seen.
Because when people say "you don't look like you have an eating disorder" what they are really saying is "we do not recognize your agony. We do not see you and we refuse to see you".
Right now I might as well be invisible.
I cannot receive help because this repulsive pudgy figure makes my years of starvation and binge purging invalid in the eyes of medical professionals.
These people do not see me they see the symptoms I do not display.
They see a body weight that doesn't fit their criteria.
A person who has a "healthy" body.
I am not courageous enough to make them look at me.

I'm sort of getting help? However unwanted it might be.

I really appreciate you.
All of you are so lovely and I know maybe five people still read this but I am grateful for each of you.
Everything is kind of chaotic right now.
Realistically I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing but I can't help it.
I gained so much weight and I look and feel so dreadful.
So I've decided to go back to my hard core restricting.
For the passed few days I haven't eaten above 600 calories and I think that 600 is a bit (lot) too much.
Cutting back to 300 seems safer and just generally more comfortable.
Not that I've been counting calories like I was I mainly just eat two or three safe foods a day.
Meaning I'll probably be way under 300 calories but I'm just so uncomfortable right now.
Also whenever I eat now I'm very aware of it?
Not so much how things taste or feel but the fact that I am putting this food in my mouth and it is going to be digested and make me fat.
I thought about purging yesterday but it's been so long and purging actually leads me to binge more.
It's ridiculous because it wasn't a binge it was 150 calories worth of rainbow sherbet.
Which is virtually fat free?
My hunger pains have been bad lately and I can see I lost weight in my face a bit but my stomach and legs have grown 57 times their original size I'm sure of it.
This is the reason I started abusing Dad's oxy.
I have this love/ hate feeling towards my disordered behaviors.
They are just so exhausting?
Lately though everything is exhausting.
I'm not trying to get better but I am going to try and be a better person.
Lukas is having a tough time right now and I really need to be there for him.
I've just been so self centered and he deserves better.
I'm not allowed to eat today I just can't handle it.
And I think if I'm able I won't eat tomorrow either.
I just don't want to deal with being massive on top of everything else.
Everything else being I actually have an appointment with a therapist on the 8th.
I forgot about it until a week or so ago.
I had asked for help a month ago when I actually wanted it so now I have to meet this new lady.
Keeping my fingers crossed that I like her and that she'll see me though because I do miss talking freely about my bullshit.
Not exactly asking for help right now but a someone to listen to my narcissistic monologuing would be nice.

Holding onto you

I'm reading things I know will hurt me.
Sometimes when I feel like I'm doing too well or have been healthier I like to read/ watch/ listen to really triggering things?
Today it's old personal posts from various eating disordered bloggers on tumblr.
I used to do this kind of thing for motivation but now I just want to feel miserable I guess.
Literally just after I typed up my previous post I thought of taking some oxy to make me feel better.
Pain meds are obviously not to be used for mental illness but they work?
Never have I ever had an antidepressant work for me as well as a narcotic.
There I go again prattling on about drugs.
I just want to be comfortable in my own skin is that too much to ask?
When I'm high I am more than comfortable and  yes I understand that's an escape and not solving the problem, but I don't know if  can solve it anymore.
Hear me out for a moment okay?
I've had these problems since I was really young.
Self harm going on what nine, ten years now?
I've been eating disordered or displayed eating disordered habits for over eight years now.
To some people this would obviously be exhausting and debilitating (which it is).
But it's really all I have.
I don't really have any identifying characteristics.
Really the only things I felt were mine or made me different (which is contradictory I know) were my "issues".
Which seems like a big joke to me knowing I've never gotten within twenty pounds of my "ugw".
Never been underweight either so it's not like anyone takes me seriously.
I know this is redundant.
You've heard this all before; from myself as well as other eating disordered people, but it's true.
I've only ever associated my self worth with my ability to harm myself in various different ways.
I'm not ignorant I do realize this isn't healthy or any way to live my life.
That being said I can't give it up.
Not yet.
Maybe after people start taking me seriously.
But I doubt that will ever happen.

An apology of sorts

I rarely ever respond to comments (mostly because I'm not good with people being nice to me I have no idea how to convey how appreciative I am and I usually wind up sounding like a spoiled ungrateful brat) but I thought I'd take the time to say something to this one.
First I'd like to apologize because I think I've needlessly worried you.
I made it seem like I'm doing hard core drugs in the corner of someone's sleazy basement.
When in reality what I'm doing can hardly be considered dangerous.
I've been taking oxycodone orally and no more than 1400mgs at a time.
This isn't even a daily habit.
Lately I've been taking more than what I used to but it's considered a more mild narcotic and not nearly as addictive as other pain relievers.
Although I'm saying that your worry isn't necessary I am not in any way saying I'm ungrateful for it.
I feel the opposite actually I'm incredibly thankful that someone gives a shit.
But I assure you I am not ruining my life over this.
I have all of thirteen pills left and no means to find more.
Getting more pills would also require a certain amount of effort that I am not willing to expend.
Really the only reason I've been abusing these pills is because they greatly reduce my appetite.
Also I find it sort of liberating to not be in mental agony 24/7 (though I am aware this isn't exactly a cure or healthy).
I know this sort of makes me sound like someone in denial over their drug habits/addictions but I only started taking oxy a month ago and only for the last two weeks have I been taking over what the recommended dose is.
Obviously I'm not taking it as prescribed seeing as it's not even my prescription but I'm not taking 1880mgs a day I promise.
I'm sorry to have worried you and I really hope I haven't upset you further.
And that being said please if anyone finds the things I post about to be unsettling or triggering please unfollow I do not wish to hurt anyone.

Don't worry be happy

My life is measured in milligrams.
I have two stashes of pills now.
The stash for suicide and the stash for getting high.
For the passed month I've been abusing my Dad's oxy.
Lately I've started taking more and more of it.
This should probably be worrisome but honestly?
I just like the way it makes me feel.
Everything takes on a warm glow and I get this prickly sensation that sits behind my skin.
It's lovely really.
There's something wonderful about narcotics really.
I think it's the way that depending on how they're ingested they can slow everything down or put your mind into overdrive.
Realistically I know that I need to stop taking these because I get addicted to things in .3 seconds.
But it's nice when I don't have to care about anything and I feel comfortable in my body.
Oxy does that for me.
I could count on one hand the number of things I've eaten in the passed two days and I don't even feel hungry.
At the same time I could have eaten the contents of my fridge and it wouldn't matter because I don't have to care.
Flashbacks?
Take an oxy.
Stressed about future?
Have two more.
I've never had a self destructive habit that actually made me feel good before.
Not in the same way this does.
Currently I can feel the last pill I took kicking and it's such a pretty feeling.

Pills and pills and pills and more pills always pills.

I've been thinking a lot about those pills recently.
The ones stashed in my closet.
Also the ones Dad thinks he hid from me but are really just sitting in a box under his bathroom sink waiting for me.
I've been thinking about how nice it is to just take a few pills and go to sleep.
How lovely it feels when you take just a bit too much oxy and everything gets all soft around the edges.
Really if given the chance I would do heroin in a heartbeat.
Downers are so wonderful I don't know how I functioned without them.
And it would be so easy.
Twenty could probably be enough to kill me the script is really strong.
Maybe not even that many.
I'd just go to sleep and never wake up.
At the worst I'd vomit in my sleep (because too many pills does that to you if you didn't know) and asphyxiate.
Which would probably be awful and painful but hey if it happens in my sleep maybe I won't feel it.
I'm just so tired.
Everything is so difficult.
It's all just so fucked up and I can't fix it.
And I don't know if I really want to anyways.
Maybe I'll go back on meds.
I'm not sure if I'll actually take them or just add them to my collection.
I think I'm at 237 now.
Seems like such a small number but really it's pretty impressive.
Well I think so at least.
Might actually be enough to really kill me this time.
It's a nice thought anyways.

Update?

Remember when I wanted everyone to give up and stop caring?
I was wrong.
Never did I actually think everything could get so fucked up.
I'm tired and I don't know what to do.
Lukas lost his phone.
Actually it was stolen which just makes him another person that I can't talk to.
He's all I have but I can't even talk to him.
I got fat again but that's not new.
Really I think I'm just going to not wake up.
Upon waking up I'm going to take some oxy and got the fuck back to bed.
There really isn't a point anymore.